You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2007.
Away to Bangkok from 29th Dec to 02 Jan.
See ya when i’m back!
Feeling rather emo and foul right now.
Maybe it’s partly coz i’m tired.
After all, i’ve been awake for 43 hours without any sleep in between.
Plus the fact that i only slept for an average of 3 hours a day in this past 1 week.
I can recognise why i’m feeling this certain way.
Felt lousy mainly coz of self-expectation, and maybe others.
Very distracted and lacking in focus plus disappointments.
Choices come with sacrifices.
Only a matter of what has been compromised or let go.
Perhaps, too many things are happening too.
But maybe these are just excuses.
And wedding always bring mixed feelings to me.
On one hand, i’m happy for the couple.
Seeing how blissful they are and how they are going to start a new chapter of life together.
But this also serves as a painful reminder that i’ll not be able to have such a chance or to provide such a chance.
That i’ll never be able to fulfil this part of a girl’s dream of my partner.
And then it brings me back to even how it may be rather impossible to just behave and express my love to my partner, especially so in public.
Even the simple act of holding acts may seem so tough, especially in the years to come.
And that is really contrary to my belief in pda.
As a person of touch and a believer in touch as a form of love.
Or maybe it’s a reminder of the lonliness of this night.
Perhaps it’s just the stress and tireness that is getting me.
Pulling me into the pit (or maybe bed!)
Well hopefully the trip to BKK will be great and allow myself to relax and prepare myself for the new year ahead.
I’ve missed on an opportunity once again.
What a chance i’ve gotten but gave up on.
I always felt quite weird to do it.
Man, i really need to buck up.
Need to have more courage.
Need to really go out there and do something.
Well, like how i always tell others, happiness is in your own hands and you need to grab it urself, in order not to have regrets.
It’s time i should really start practising what i preach.
Lotsa thoughts but couldn’t express.
A killer of my life.
Hate this part but maybe one day, someone right will come along to break this apart.
I hope.
Merry Christmas!
Festive season always bring a sense of lonliness or sadness despite the cheery moods everywhere.
But it was still a cozy time spent with the pals. Just plain chilling out with one another without any elaborate partying or so. A simple home affair, playing wii, silly game and watching movie. I guess, it was my first christmas countdown with the spiritual family and with so many people.
The simple bliss of having a company and enjoying just the presence of one another.
Love is really like chocolate, both bitter and sweet.
The sweet memories that bring a smile and sense of bliss and the bitter ones that bring tears and pain.
And sometimes, it is the sweet memories that will bring pain and the bitter memories that will bring smile.
No one can dictate you on who to love.
And no one can stop you from loving somebody else.
It is your own pick and decision.
Though sometimes, it is beyond our own control too.
Love is an emotion, a feeling, a passion.
It has no limits and it has no boundaries.
It is only a matter of how far you are willing or comfortable to go.
But sometimes this passion can marred us from reality.
And this reality can bring forth many hurts and pain.
It takes lotsa considerations and efforts to turn an emotion of love into a relationship of love.
And with every experience and encounter, we learn and we grow.
I get very affected seeing my friend in the pit.
I can understand and feel their pain.
Sometimes, it’s worse when you know the truth really hurts and yet you still have to bring it across to them.
And it hurts me to say things that will kill off any traces of (false)hope in order to protect them and to prevent them from sinking.
Coz as a friend, i wanna encourage and support them in whatever they do but yet at the same time, i want to help and protect them from hurts.
That was really tough.
But i guess for them, the tough part only starts after the truth is blatently set before them.
And i know it is not going to be easy and that it may really take quite some time to get over it.
But it is definitely pausible.
Everyone, at that instance, thought they can’t get through it.
But in the end, they all do.
Time will definitely heal all wounds.
It is only a matter of how long it will take.
It took me 2 years.
Pal, I hope it will be shorter for you.
Not my wedding yet i’m having the wedding jitters. Haa.
Well with the wedding date drawing nearer, i get more excited and nervous.
It’s my first wedding of a friend.
My so-called first in being the wedding coordinator of a whole wedding, overlooking everything.
It’s a mixed feeling, really.
With many concerns in my mind, like not doing much or worry that things i may have overlooked or that things may go wrong on actual day.
I’m really somehow going through this process with the couple, though i must say their intensity should be many many times more than mine.
And i got a really big headache thinking what i should wear on that day.
Gotta get 2 outfits, one for the day and another for the night.
And that is really killing all my brain cells now.
It has been a busy week.
And it just gonna continue till the whole holiday is over.
Late nights almost everyday.
But it was time well spent with pals.
Birthday party, christmas outreach, wedding rehearsal(s), christmas dinner(s), bachelorette’s night, christmas service, shopping trip(s) and upcoming Bangkok trip.
Out everyday and now i miss home-cooked food!
My life is, or I am, a paradox or irony, whichever you prefer.
My appearance and my mannerism, for one, is contradicting.
I do look abit more masculine than the usual (femme)girls out there yet my voice and sometimes my mannerism are abit too (ahem!) sweet.
All to be credited to my teh-ness.
And J and SH always wanna train me to be more man-ly coz sometimes they can’t stand it too, right girls.
It’s kinda funny when you have straight girly girls asking you to be more “man”.
Coz when we stand together, the supposedly more girly girl turns out to be more man-ly than the more masculine-looking one.
But well, i am an andro. I don’t really want to be more man-ly oso! I am just me.
Next, will be my appearance and my age.
People always think i look so much younger than my actual age.
And that kinda upsets me.
Coz for one, i am short plus the fact that i look too young, that really spoil my market, causing me to always attract the wrong crowd.
That brings me to the third point of my appearance and my personality.
Friends commented that i look too much like the party-type of people.
The sort that is only interested in flings and not, real relationship.
But hey, that’s not true.
I wanna settle down. In fact, i am more for stability than anything else.
Maybe i wasn’t into stability in the past, but now i am.
I hate being a fling. And i hate the emotions and turmoil that comes with it.
But coz of my baby-face, height and appearance, i always attract the wrong crowd.
Hence, i’ve never really settle on anyone coz i want a real lasting relationship.
And i know the road ahead is tough, and that’s why i wanna have the best to walk this journey with me.
So, don’t say I’m picky k.
I just didn’t want to put myself into being a plaything and going through all the hurts once again.
Anyway, the list of contradicting stuffs in my life just goes on and on and on.
What a life!
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