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So not in the mood.
The dark days seem to be returning.
I think one of my greatest problem is the fear of stepping across from friendship to romantic relationship.
To me, i have always maintained my position that i will not date my friends.
People that i have known for some time and whom i cherished as friends.
Though at times i may falter but i will still draw my line clearly to avoid stepping over.
To me, the fear of losing the friendship is so great that it just deter me from wanting to take another step ahead despite of how i may feel.
Rejection alone may be ok but losing the kind of bond that was initially shared will be too big a loss.
A friendship is for life but a relationship may not.
So what if things are ok initially but one day everyday may just collapse and again the friendship may be jeopardized.
I guess for me, it’s hard to be friends with exes even though i would very much love to do so.
But it really takes time for both parties to be prepared emotionally.
And i always feel that there will be a crack somewhere and things will just not be like what it used to be.
I guess histroy left a scar in me and now i’m handicapped with this.
But the question now is how do we begin a relationship without friendship, unless it’s just a lust of the eyes.
All relationship starts off from friendship isn’t it?
See, now that’s why i said it is a problem.
In life, people come and people go.
It’s aways the case.
The only difference between these people is that some left a footprint in your life.
That as they leave, memories are evoked instead.
At times, there is also this slight feeling of reluctance to part.
“Silently in pain.
Yet battling pain with silence.
.
.
.
Pain is awaken by memory.
Yet the pain awakes you too.”
The past can never be erased.
Memories never disappears.
They are never gone.
They are only forgotten.
Forgotten, meaning at any time they may be conjured up again.
Does gender really determines your sexuality?
Or is social construct more of an influence?
Sure both are involved in determining it.
But which is of a greater influence?
Of course this is always a debatable issue.
This is just some thoughts after a show and being reminded of one of the class i took in NUS about social constuct.
How society defines the role of people and people who deviates from that role are termed as deviants and/or are greeted with weird stares.
Why do guys definitely have to be tough and rugged?
Why do girls have to be prim and proper?
Why can’t guys cry without being deemed as a weakling?
Why do girls definitely have to wear a skirt?
And sometimes i actually think skirt is a tool that exemplifies this vulneraibilty of a women in society.
But it will be too much to go into it.
Sounds too much like a feminist if i do go on.
All i’m saying is no matter, guy or lady, we are supposed to be given the opportunity to be who we are without being restricted by society norms or limits.
It is a bit unfair to say what a guy or lady can or cannot do.
Why do we wnat to restrict people in exploring to be who they are.
Like what i always say, a deviation from the norm doesn’t neccessary means it’s wrong.
It just spell differences.
And there’s nothing wrong with that.
But i guess, the world still have a long way to learn of this.
And maybe i too have a long way to learn to live in this world where social construct is always at play.
In a rather fragile or vulnerable state recently.
Perhaps was just a little too overwhelmed by everything that is going on and maybe more so by what i was presented.
Am now currently following a japanese drama titled Last Friends.
A drama that speaks to me in a lot of way.
I can relate to and identify with the character in the show.
Every action, every word and every thought.
It’s like being presented with a part of myself to myself.
Facing yourself and what is in your heart appears to be intimidating.
It scares me really.
And it forces me to remember things that i sometimes wish that i can forget or avoid.
Remember myself saying the same words, having the same thoughts, facing the same fear and having the same rationale.
This is really freaking me out a little.
There is a sense of lonliness in everyone.
The different degree of lonliness.
The different type of lonliness.
These can never be seen from the surface or appearance.
I kinda receive confirmation that the appeal is successful and that i am going back!
Thank God for that.
I always believe the saying that God works in partnership with us.
We do our part and God will do His part.
It is always both ways.
And for me, i always seek confirmation to verify.
This new posting for instance.
Some people may say maybe that’s where God wants me to me and that is why i am posted there.
And the famous phrase “There’s always a reason why certain thing happens.”
Yes i believe in the phrase but i don’t follow it blindly.
This time round, i believe the reason why this happen is because God wants be to be more appreciative of where i am.
To be thankful of going back.
It’s like a bell ringing and waking me to my senses that i should not take all this for granted.
Anyway what i wanna say is trust in the Lord and not the circumstances.
Coz we don’t know if that is brought about by God or the devil.
All we can do is trust in Him and seek confirmation.
And ask for His leading.
It’s like if you fall down in the middle of the road and there’s an oncoming car, does it mean that you believe that’s where God places you and you just gonna stay there and get knock down by the car?
We should still do out part right? by running away from the car.
And if God wants to take you away that day then i believe no matter how you run away, you will not be able to escape.
But i admit sometimes things are rather tricky.
There may be a twist of plot.
Things may happen and everything changes.
Hmm i guess that;s why God is a mysterious God.
And if we can never quite understand everything so clearly, if not we will all think we are better than Him.
I believe God has a plan for us.
Whatever happens, we do what we can and lean on His leading.
Like i have said before, if the new posting is where my destiny is, i will also prepare my heart and go on trusting in Him and do my best over there.
But right now, i just wanna Thank God for bringing me back to the place that has nurtured me for the past 10 weeks.
I think the worst feeling in life is the feeling of being misunderstood and judged.
Sometimes it is not enough to just look at the surface.
The truth or the most real thing may be hidden from the public.
The things closest to heart may not be those that are spoken.
Hence, don’t come to a conclusion based on what you see or hear.
I don’t mind the different opinions or perspectives.
But please don’t judge, especially when one doesn’t know the situation well.
That is the reason why i have been avoiding this topic of posting with certain people.
Coz i know they are just going to make me feel worse.
I admit i was quite affected by the posting results and all this appeal thingy.
Wasn’t quite in the mood to party or do any thing this few days other than to watch some drama to distract myself from thinking about the issue.
I don’t like to talk about this with my parents coz they are not really sure of what’s going on and why i was so reluctant in moving to the new posting.
And of course, i didn’t want them to worry for me.
Maybe this isn’t so big an issue to others but to me, it is coz it concerns my future.
And it is critical to be in an environment where it is conducive for me to grow and learn.
Alright, to be truthful, i am just scared.
Can’t i just have the right to be afraid?
Can’t i not always be so calm and rational?
Can’t i just be lost?
I am not always that calm, rational and strong.
I can be scared too.
I can be unsure too.
I am fragile just like everyone else.
I am scared and lost about my future.
Especially it’s the future where it is the unknown and it entails taking steps into the dark.
I have reservation about the new posting coz i am afraid that i will grow to hate my job when i’m there.
That i will get depressed everyday.
I don’t want to join the list of people with depression from my line of work.
I want to grow to like my job even more and not to hate it.
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