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Dreams or rather nightmares can be the most scariest moment in life.
A moment that seems so real and makes you jump out of bed with heart pumping at F1 speed.
I’ve had many vivid dreams that really scare the shit out of me.
From being chased by both humans and ghost, to being murdered, to witnessing catastrophic disaster and seeing people dying in front of me with nothing that i can do to help.
Many of these dreams come with intricate details.
Meaning i can visualise the wounds, the blood. the expression and even the smell.
Coupled with the emotions involved in the ’scenes’.
It’s really scary.
How is life like in black, grey and white?
This was a thought that brought me to tears yesterday.
Which kinda scare the guys a little i guess.
Don’t know why the emotions but i just can’t control it.
We were having this conversation about color blindness.
And how some people are able to see only black, grey and white.
Then the thought of seeing only monochrome without any shades of color just make me so depress.
I begin to wonder how life will be like without colors.
Will it be very gloomy?
Not being able to see and differentiate colors, how will it be like?
Mr I.T. said that was just a stereotype. Just a perception.
Who says grey = gloomy and sad?
True also.
But i dunno, i think colors play a very important role in my life, hence i can not comprehend how life will be like in only shades of grey.
I guess i overreacted.
Just a sudden surge of emotions.
Oh man, i’ve been tearing so often in front of my colleagues that i’m like a cry baby now.
Wonder why i have been so emotional and vulnerable all of a sudden.
I teared the other day in the car while listening to a sad song.
Ah, emo songs never fail to draw emotions out of me.
Went to Sentosa yesterday.
It seems like a yearly event for the cg and oso for JIS.
Ah it felt great to be under the sun.
But I’m getting more and more tan.
Can’t imagine how i will look like next year.
For the first time, i’ve stopped using tanning lotion but turn to sunblock instead.
I do not want any more of “Hi, are you a malay or chinese?”.
Anyway, so yesterday was a time bonding with the cg mates.
I must say, yes it did help.
It has been a while since the cg came together and just have fun with everyone.
So there we were, playing frisbee, dodgeball, softball, volleyball and etc.
It has been fun.
I certainly look forward to the next sentosa trip, if any.
Saturday was spent at Dairy Farm Adventure Centre.
But this time round, i was not a participant but just a supporter cum photographer.
The feeling is great coz there’s no pressure now.
I’m just there to support and take photos.
But of course to also refresh my memory on all the different set-ups.
Coz maybe i’ll retake the license next year again.
Anyway, the team is great.
I feel really loved and welcomed by them.
Everyone still took great care of me and treated me like part of them.
I felt really very blessed.
Actually i felt really blessed to be here in this school.
To be really doted on by both teachers and even students.
They really make my job easier and less stressful.
A new toy i acquired.
A belated birthday present from ME.
Nokia E71.
So far, i’m clinging on to the McDonald’s slogan,
“Ba da ba ba baa… I’m lovin’ it!”
As requested, here is a picture of my polka-dotted nails with my ugly fingers.
The big, fat fingers with a pimple-like looking scar.
Can you all see it??
On the most right finger of the picture, if you see carefully, you will see a circular scar that looks like a pimple.
That’s the ‘momento’ of the outdoor course.
Rope-burn which scrap away my flesh.
Before it healed, there was this depression where i can see the depths of the skin.
Thank God that it was a minor one, if not my finger will be disfigured.
I was asked the question that got me a little stumbled.
“Do you think you have moved on?”
Haven’t i??
How to know if one has moved on or not?
I must admit what happened had impacted me alot and it took me some time to get over it all.
Of course, not forgetting those tears and painful nights.
And now, yes there are still certain times that memories resurfaced and i got reminded of the past.
It was kinda like how the dates are programmed into my brain and when it reaches these dates, i will automatically be more fragile and vulnerable to emo attacks.
But i must say the degree of hurt and impact has declined to almost zero as compared to years ago.
To me, the memories will always remain and like in The Leap Years, KS told Li-Ann that he will always love her (even though he has found someone else whom he is happy with), it is the same with me.
The little corner will always belong to that special someone.
The one who showed and taught me lotsa things through it all.
The question was “does it still influence you?”.
I actually don’t know how to answer that.
Yes it has impacted me but i have tried seeing other people but i guess i have grown to be more fearful and careful.
And in my case, i guess it is practical to be careful considering how complex things may get.
Especially when i met another someone whom i thought i had some feelings for and who happened to have the same initial.
But anyway, yes it has impacted me by causing me to be more careful and also to ty to avoid the same mistake or to try to change whatever that was the issue at that time.
It is difficult.
The inability to open up.
A fatal issue of my life.
But i am trying.
And i must say i do think i did made some improvements along the way.
And i have been kinda happy this past 1 year without much issues with regards to the past.
Though i was a little affected when i got to know how she wanted to erase everything of the past away, including me.
But i can understand why she did that as that concerns her future.
Perhaps i would have done the same if i was in that same situation.
And in any case, i was only wanted when i’m needed.
So i should have long gotten used to it.
It wasn’t new anyway.
And truly, i was just a little affected when i heard of it but at the end of the day, i still did put it behind me.
So coming back to the question. have i truly moved on?
Can someone moved on and still feel a little upset with it all at some point of time?
It was utterly disappointing.
What a joke it has been.
To think that i was such a fool to believe in your vision and values.
Only to see the truth behind the facade of it all.
It just prove to me once again that the world is never fair.
People will always be subjective and place judgement.
And how important it is to have contacts and relationships with people coz it can mean a whole lot of difference to life and death or heaven and hell or success and failure.
Today is the day that i got introduced to the darkness of the field.
Nothing in life in 100% fair.
I have polka-dotted nails!
I bet many must be stunned.
I have extend my fetish of polka dots on clothing to my nails.
Yes it was the second manicure of my life.
Once again, it was done with my male colleagues.
Yes males do value how they look too and the comfort of it all.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Did i mention that at home, my brother had more facial cleanser than me?
I hope he doesn’t see this.
But yes, he was the one who started using branded cleanser like Clinque, Biotherm and Shishedo.
And hello, he does mask every week or so too.
See, another vain man.
And i thought that is good.
Coz it means they do take care of how they look and present themselves.
Guys too ,like woman, love to look good.
So anyway, under the advice of my friend, i now have polka-dotted nails.
It was hmm “interesting” to see nail polish on me and especially polka-dotted ones.
I’m quite surprised and touched by my graduatiing students.
The time spent with them was not long but i really enjoyed my time with this bunch.
I’ve always felt like i didn’t do much for them qn that i can do better.
That explained why i was surprised at what they wrote about me and thanking me for all that i’ve done.
Perhaps it’s because they knew information and content is the most important, and when you add in a bit of ‘fun’ element, they know all these are extra stuffs instead of required stuffs and that you are putting in the effort.
Unlike the younger ones, who are still very much into playing of games and fun, their appetite is always so huge that it sometimes seems hard to satisfy.
But anyway as i look back at my job, i realised i don’t dread waking up at 5am to go to school and having to leave at 7pm almost everyday .
Coz my students (and of course my beloved colleagues too) are motivating me in my job.
I can still remember their faces and smiles and of course all the funny and silly things they did.
And of course the feeling of being loved and protected by both students and teachers too add on to the beauty of the job.
I guess these are the perks of the job.
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