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I thought I wouldn’t be affected but I was wrong.
I have always gave the excuse that “We are not close” to cover up what I am truly feeling inside.
Ever since the day the news of her illness was made known a month ago, I have not been able to visit her since.
I was too busy with work.
I thought it was too inconvenient or awkward.
I was worried I had nothing to say to her.
But most importantly, I know I have been running away.
I wanna run away from facing the reality.
From seeing how she has turned into after the battle with her illness and chemo.
I don’t wanna see her as frail and weak and only remember her as that.
I was afraid of facing the truth that she was ill.
And so I have been unfillial and childish to not visit her.
I was never convinced by her illness or that she only had 3 months to live.
I don’t know how to face death, in a sense.
I was reluctant.
Even today, when Dad called and requested for me to turn up no matter what.
I knew something must be wrong coz Dad doesn’t do that.
But a part in me still wanna run away and refuse to accept the fact that this may truly be her last day.
And now I live to regret it.
That I missed the chance to hear her speak.
That I missed the chance to talk to her and have her ask me the same old question again and again whenever she sees me.
I’m sorry for not visiting.
I’m sorry I came so late.
She waited for me.
The moment I reached and called out to her, she opened her eyes and within minues, she is gone.
Just like that.
Why do I have to live with such a memory?
I always thought I would be forgotten and that was why I thought my presence wouldn’t make a difference.
But I am wrong.
Now, I missed the chance to go through the journey with her.
And what I am left is the final look of her before she passed.
She has turned so skinny and pale and different.
Another harsh reality that struck hard in me.
But she has left the memories behind.
The days I stayed over at her place and the days she stayed over at ours.
And that voice.
The voice that so innocently said I have put on weight so loudly during my Brother’s ROM.
That was the last time I saw her.
That was the last time I heard her.
And now that voice will never be heard again.
But only be replayed in my ears with my mind.
A long weekend.
A spontaneous decison.
A trip was birth.
I headed down to KL over the weekend after a very last minute suggestion and decision.
It was decided just the night before out of boredom.
And the next morning, off we go.
It felt great actually, despite the fact that I have not completed much marking over the long weekend and now the repercussion of it all is to work even more harder to finish them up.
But one thing I’ve learnt from this job is the work is neverending and no matter how much work you have, you will still be able to finish.
Coz in this job, it doesn’t take “No” or “Can’t finish” as an answer.
So yea finally step into KL and yea all we did over there was to eat, club and shop.
Quite fruitful i must say as i finally bought my shoes.
After searching in Singapore for so so so many months, i finally got mine over there in KL.
2 in fact and so I am happy.
It is not exactly cheap but I’m just glad I manage to get them.
So basically our aims to KL is just to escape the city and to shop and so I must say we did fulfilled our aim.
Oh yea and i nearly got into a fight too, haha.
If i do so, it will really spice up the trip coz that will be my very first fight.
But of course, i know i will probably get hurt and be in real deep trouble if i do so since the guy is so much bigger and taller.
But it was amusing, thinking how i actually have such a thought.
Well I was really irritated at that very moment at how the people behave over there.argh.
Anyway, the trip was a spontaneous decision but a fun one.
Very seldom do i make and agree to such a spontaneous decision butI am glad I did.
Thanks naughty girl!
What is happiness?
A question that remains in my head after watching Magique yesterday.
A question that was being asked in the movie, “What makes you happy?”.
I, like the boy in the film, have no answer.
I too don’t know what makes me happy.
As in truly happy.
For very long, I have not understood this feeling or experience of true happiness.
Laughter or smiling does not mean happiness.
So what exactly is happiness?
What about you?
What makes you happy?
Fragility and Frustration- 2 words that describe my feelings for life.
Life has been so fragile where lives can just come and go.
The unpredictability and suddeness of things just make life appear so small.
News of people around me being ill and in hospital really broke my heart.
And frustration comes when you realise there is simply nothing you can do.
2 grandmas was ill.
1 had to amputate her toe.
The other had only 3 months left to live.
Mummy too was ill.
If there’s something that can bring me down, it will be hearing news of my family being ill/sick.
To me, my family is my everything.
I’ve been thinking in my head that I rather all that is happening will happen all on myself.
Maybe that will be better.
And suddenly thoughts of death become so much like an ease to problems.
Coz i was thinking yes when people die, there will be sadness.
But sadness will one day be cured or it will go away.
Maybe in terms of days, weeks, months and years.
But it will go away.
Yet if I were to be a burden to others, it will be forever.
The causing of more sufferings and misery to others.
And I don’t want that to happen.
But all this is just talking about myself.
Coz if my family is the one being ill, I really don’t wish that they will have such thoughts.
For now, just wanna pray that all will be well.
Even if it means there is only a few months left, let them be able to just enjoy the rest of the days.
Out on labour day doing work.
How pathetic.
But of course, comparing myself with those who still have to work officially, i should count myself fortunate.
Without those people, we will not be able to enjoy all those holidays.
Thanks to all the people out there who made holiday possible for the rest of the people.
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