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I’m back.
For 2 nights only.
But on this very 1st night I’m back, I already feel like shit.
Not because of the trip.
But due to the many emotions that I’m feeling now that I am back.
The emotions that are penned up in me resulted in me being such an ass.
No way of expressing.
And so I can only be emo.
I have always believe in Communications in a relationship.
But because there is no relationship, communications is halted.
And so no one can really understand what is really going on in one another’s mind.
Words are left unspoken.
Misunderstanding arises.
I feel like shit today because I felt like I am never good enough.
It was a simple comment but it traces back to many other things and left me feeling that way.
I am not good with backpacking.
I don’t really like thrill rides.
I am not good in many things.
And maybe that’s why I am always treated as a spare.
I have no one that I can call my own.
Always a reserve.
My mind and heart is constantly battling.
Mind says it’s time to draw an end.
But the heart refuses and plunges deeper.
I know I am nothing.
The other day over dinner, CY was saying how love makes people childish.
I really have to agree with that.
Coz i’ve seen myself acting really childish and ridiculous.
Things that i don’t usually do or feel.
Now, jealousy is a common emotions.
And sometimes i purposely say or do things in order to spite the other people.
These are things that i despise myself of.
I guess all these arises due to insecurity.
Insecurity due to a lack of status.
Insecurity due to a lack of hope.
I’m in no position to feel the way I am feeling because I’m just a nobody.
Recently, there are thoughts that perhaps I am just being made used of.
I’m just a replacement and that’s all.
Perhaps I mean nothing at all.
And all that I am experiencing may just be an illusion or simply are lies.
Certain aspect of life is still confusing.
I guess it may have gotten worse.
It just that I choose to ignore the confusion.
I know it’s bad but it’s pretty hard to steer off and move on.
And that also explains why my emotions can move up and down.
But a good thing is work is so busy now, that I hardly have the time to think about things and so I don’t get that much affected now.
Keyword is “Much”, so yep at times I still do. :p
It’s been weeks and life is still as shitty as ever.
Things are still as complicated.
Nothing much has change.
Situation is still as tricky.
In fact, things may have gotten worst.
Bad news still keep appearing.
Emotion still at low.
Been tired.
Tired of having to deal with my own emotions and that of others.
Tired that whatever I do (or not to do), I still end up in all the shit.
Tired of not being able to get out of it all and just be happy and light.
Tired physically, emotionally and mentally.
Just when will things start getting better?
Week by week, more and more bad news.
One after the other, leaving me almost breathless.
From my own life, to work, to students and now my family.
Almost every area of my life is in a mess now.
Nothing seems to work out.
Wondering when will I really collapse?
Or perhaps that’s what life wants me to do.
To just collapse.
Been trying my best to just hang on still and move on.
But sometimes it is really tiring.
Everything just seems to be in pitch black now.
When will I see the light?
A cry baby I have been lately.
Crying on my birthday.
I cried the night before my birthday and into my birthday.
I cried on the day of my birthday.
And I cried on the night of my birthday to the next.
It’s pretty hard to manage my emotions at the moment.
I jsut need a little time to get things clear in my mind.
That’s all.
It has been quite some since I cried so hard.
Things just haven’t been working well.
Work, Family, Friendship and my own emotions.
Even my class and students.
I should have spent more time with them and maybe things may not happen.
I dunno.
It feels like my world is crumbling down on me.
Perhaps it’s coz my birthday is coming and usually i feel really emo on special occasion.
Don’t ask me why coz I’m unsure why my body is engineered that way.
I don’t like weddings and I don’t like my own birthday.
In fact, I hated wedding.
And to be me, by being present is the most I can be or do.
Coz it takes a lot of courage for me to just appear.
But soemtimes such act is not enough for many people.
Nobody knows really how it felt to be me.
Hence, it has been communicated that I shall refrain from all weddings unless it is my bestest pals (which are the few who truly understands me).
Anyway I don’t liek many other occasions too.
Because all it brings are just painful memories and heartaches.
The heartache of missing people and life.
Have been rather moody recently.
Been trying to convince myself of certain things everyday.
But everyday I failed.
And it’s hard when scenes kept playing in my mind.
I just need soem time to regain my balance in life again.
I feel so tired now.
From work, all the things that’s happening and crying.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I cry so easily now.
Tears just flow and I just can’t stop them.
I’m just thankful for the people around me, family, friends, colleagues and my boss.
Family, friends and colleagues for bearing with me and sticking by and being understanding, especially to my emotions and busyness.
My so-called boss for always checking on me for fear that I will burn out.
I think I’m just not suited for love.
Handicapped and cursed by it.
When I fall, I fall hard and I hurt hard.
I guess it’s karma, but I have received back so many punishments now.
When is it gonna end?
I’ve lost when I saw what I saw……
The pain striked right through my heart.
But the smile has to remain.
It’s time to let go.
But it’s so hard.
Recently have been feeling a bit down.
From work and also because of my own emotions.
Currently I’ve been practising “Confusionism”.
Been pretty confused with things.
With things that was being said and done.
And with my own feelings.
Not knowing what to do just make them worse.
And this feelings sucks.
It’s like getting stuck in a paradigm.
Hate the feeling of spiralling downards.
And hate beng a jealous bitch!
But sometimes I just can’t control myself.
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