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Certain aspect of life is still confusing.
I guess it may have gotten worse.
It just that I choose to ignore the confusion.
I know it’s bad but it’s pretty hard to steer off and move on.
And that also explains why my emotions can move up and down.
But a good thing is work is so busy now, that I hardly have the time to think about things and so I don’t get that much affected now.
Keyword is “Much”, so yep at times I still do. :p
It’s been weeks and life is still as shitty as ever.
Things are still as complicated.
Nothing much has change.
Situation is still as tricky.
In fact, things may have gotten worst.
Bad news still keep appearing.
Emotion still at low.
Been tired.
Tired of having to deal with my own emotions and that of others.
Tired that whatever I do (or not to do), I still end up in all the shit.
Tired of not being able to get out of it all and just be happy and light.
Tired physically, emotionally and mentally.
Just when will things start getting better?
Week by week, more and more bad news.
One after the other, leaving me almost breathless.
From my own life, to work, to students and now my family.
Almost every area of my life is in a mess now.
Nothing seems to work out.
Wondering when will I really collapse?
Or perhaps that’s what life wants me to do.
To just collapse.
Been trying my best to just hang on still and move on.
But sometimes it is really tiring.
Everything just seems to be in pitch black now.
When will I see the light?
Recently have been feeling a bit down.
From work and also because of my own emotions.
Currently I’ve been practising “Confusionism”.
Been pretty confused with things.
With things that was being said and done.
And with my own feelings.
Not knowing what to do just make them worse.
And this feelings sucks.
It’s like getting stuck in a paradigm.
Hate the feeling of spiralling downards.
And hate beng a jealous bitch!
But sometimes I just can’t control myself.
Caught Ghosts of Girlfriends Past earlier.
Thanks CY for the tix.
I kinda like the show.
Coz it was humourous and touchign at the same time.
But most importantly, coz certain word that were spoken or scenes resonated in my heart.
In the show, Connor Mead was saying to Sandra how she has to risk love and that love may hurt but the pain that comes with it will never compare to the regrets from walking away from love.
And Connor Mead was saying that because he has run away from it coz he was afraid of being hurt.
I feel for him as I was in that situation once.
Once, when I was so afraid that I gave up trying and let go.
If only I have held on a little longer and try a little harder, maybe things will all be different.
But of course, I do not know for sure.
But because of this regret, it had scarred me for years.
I felt the pain for years and even so at times now and so I agree with the words that Connor Mead said about the pain that comes with the regrets from walking away.
Coz it will always linger and stay there.
Of course, I didn’t try to mask that pain by being such a player like what Connor Mead does, instead I kinda close myself up.
But the similarity is of coure, we are both runnign away and hiding from the hurts or potential hurts.
The second part that got me agreeing was when Connor Mead was saying something liek you never really forget soembody and move on until you found somebody you care more.
I guess that’s the reason why i have not been 100% over everything despite the years.
I have moved on, but i have not been able to forget all about her totally.
I have yet to find that someone that I actually cared more than her.
What is happiness?
A question that remains in my head after watching Magique yesterday.
A question that was being asked in the movie, “What makes you happy?”.
I, like the boy in the film, have no answer.
I too don’t know what makes me happy.
As in truly happy.
For very long, I have not understood this feeling or experience of true happiness.
Laughter or smiling does not mean happiness.
So what exactly is happiness?
What about you?
What makes you happy?
Fragility and Frustration- 2 words that describe my feelings for life.
Life has been so fragile where lives can just come and go.
The unpredictability and suddeness of things just make life appear so small.
News of people around me being ill and in hospital really broke my heart.
And frustration comes when you realise there is simply nothing you can do.
2 grandmas was ill.
1 had to amputate her toe.
The other had only 3 months left to live.
Mummy too was ill.
If there’s something that can bring me down, it will be hearing news of my family being ill/sick.
To me, my family is my everything.
I’ve been thinking in my head that I rather all that is happening will happen all on myself.
Maybe that will be better.
And suddenly thoughts of death become so much like an ease to problems.
Coz i was thinking yes when people die, there will be sadness.
But sadness will one day be cured or it will go away.
Maybe in terms of days, weeks, months and years.
But it will go away.
Yet if I were to be a burden to others, it will be forever.
The causing of more sufferings and misery to others.
And I don’t want that to happen.
But all this is just talking about myself.
Coz if my family is the one being ill, I really don’t wish that they will have such thoughts.
For now, just wanna pray that all will be well.
Even if it means there is only a few months left, let them be able to just enjoy the rest of the days.
Had a celebration with the colleagues for M’s bday.
It was good to start the Term this way.
Relaxing one and having all 4 together for a meal and laughters.
Then the conversation with the naughty girl brought back many of the things that I wanna do.
Things like learning to play piano/violin, or getting back to music.
Music was my life. It used to be.
When I was surrounded my music, i had the drive and motivation for life.
But ever since I parted, it seems part of me has been carried away too.
Everytime i see the band play, my heart skipped a little.
And memories of the past replayed in my mind.
I wanted to learn driving too. And take up a dance class or a sports class.
But all these was put on hold coz i was just too afraid that i can’t commit with the kind of schedule i had now.
Even the thought of dating or making new friends, i am kinda afraid.
Afraid that I may not have the time or energy to pull through any of these.
Or that I will get too distracted and my work will get affected.
Or that i may be too involved in my work and neglect the others.
It is like my heart and soul is willing but my body or mind is weak.
I dunno when i will have the courage to say “whatever it may be” and just take up the challenge.
Like how i envy people who have such an active lifestyle with a balance in life.
I mention that this year is a year of “come what may”, but in life, it seems liek it can’t always be that way either.
Or can it?
Another sad story.
Another example to prove how potent February 19th is.
The incident really do shock.
And what’s worse is that it brings back flashbacks of the past.
I kinda understand how it feels like coz I was in it before.
Though the extent wasn’t the same.
No matter how rational or logical a person is, or how strong and tough a person is, there will still be a moment when he or she will fail.
When one is in such a situatiom, the mind just seem to cease working and the negativity just keeps drawing you deeper into the pit.
That’s when you kinda lose yourself and succumb to weakness.
Or being seduced to take the easier way out.
It’s scary coz it seems like there is a voice just keeps crying out to you.
who keeps enticing you over to his/her side.
While one party is drawn to take the easier way out, the other party have to bear the guilt.
Actually, I know no matter what I say, the guilt and regrets will be there to stay.
I remember the days when I started doubting myself.
And started regretting what I have or have not done.
I always think that if I have done something more or different, things would have been different.
But truth is, no one is 100% sure of that.
And it took me years to realise that and get past it all.
So i know, no words can really comfort or bring the guilt or regrets away.
I guess only time can heal the wounds.
And to lighten the guilt and regrets.
I feel a little too overwhelmed and unmotivated.
In fact, one word to sum it all: Exhaustion
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