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Fuck you!
I’m feeling so upset.
I’m feeling so tired.
And i’m feeling so FAT.
I feel a little too overwhelmed and unmotivated.
In fact, one word to sum it all: Exhaustion
I think the worst feeling in life is the feeling of being misunderstood and judged.
Sometimes it is not enough to just look at the surface.
The truth or the most real thing may be hidden from the public.
The things closest to heart may not be those that are spoken.
Hence, don’t come to a conclusion based on what you see or hear.
I don’t mind the different opinions or perspectives.
But please don’t judge, especially when one doesn’t know the situation well.
That is the reason why i have been avoiding this topic of posting with certain people.
Coz i know they are just going to make me feel worse.
I admit i was quite affected by the posting results and all this appeal thingy.
Wasn’t quite in the mood to party or do any thing this few days other than to watch some drama to distract myself from thinking about the issue.
I don’t like to talk about this with my parents coz they are not really sure of what’s going on and why i was so reluctant in moving to the new posting.
And of course, i didn’t want them to worry for me.
Maybe this isn’t so big an issue to others but to me, it is coz it concerns my future.
And it is critical to be in an environment where it is conducive for me to grow and learn.
Alright, to be truthful, i am just scared.
Can’t i just have the right to be afraid?
Can’t i not always be so calm and rational?
Can’t i just be lost?
I am not always that calm, rational and strong.
I can be scared too.
I can be unsure too.
I am fragile just like everyone else.
I am scared and lost about my future.
Especially it’s the future where it is the unknown and it entails taking steps into the dark.
I have reservation about the new posting coz i am afraid that i will grow to hate my job when i’m there.
That i will get depressed everyday.
I don’t want to join the list of people with depression from my line of work.
I want to grow to like my job even more and not to hate it.
Totally shocked by the posting.
Think sometimes it is so much of a paradox or irony.
Initially i was apprehensive about returning here.
Yet when i received news that i’m leaving, i actually want to come back.
I was actually reluctant to move elsewhere.
Thoughts went through my mind and emotions filled my heart.
From the initial shock to frustration then finally finding comfort and peace.
Throughout the process i was wondering why God allowed for me to be posted elsewhere.
And it’s getting worse and worse.
Initially, i thought this first posting was bad enough, yet the second one was worse.
The most notorious one somemore. *faints*
Why did God do that?
Was it because i have been misbehaving in this school?
That i was too ‘open’ in this school?
That i have been partying and drinking too much since i came here?
Or that i’ve been neglecting Him?
What’s the reason?
Then slowly i began to calm down and think it through once again.
Then thoughts of comfort and possibility came into mind.
Maybe my destiny is in another school?
Maybe the other school will be more suited for me?
Maybe i can contribute more over there?
Maybe i can learn more over there?
All the maybes and maybes.
I guess that’s only what i can do now.
To trust in the Lord in His leading.
If i am destined to come back here, then i believe the appeal will be successful.
And if i’m not, then i will have to find peace and comfort and of course joy in the new environment.
Been feeling upset over work lately.
Disappointments, frustrations, confusion.
I’m beginning to understand why the percentage of people having depression in my line of work is one of the highest.
I’m so afraid that i may one day come to hate my job.
Feeling of frustration, perplexity and limitation.
The job is taking a toll on my emotions.
How many second-chances will you give someone?
.
.
Why do i always falter on my decision to ignore people?
I hate being neglected or ignored or not respected.
Don’t ask me out when you are always a minimum of an hour late.
Or at least inform me beforehand.
I hate waiting. Or rather i am tired of waiting.
1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours….. You always have your reasons.
It’s always waiting and more waiting. And i’m sick of that.
But everytime i said that and made a decision, you came back initiating a meetup, which is the rarest thing you did.
And i gave in again, though with fear in my heart.
And no matter how angry i am, upon seeing you, i just couldn’t reprimand you but said it’s okay instead.
Oh man, what a faiure is that.
And that is my weak point to be taken in by your tehness.
I am not a player!
Stop calling me one.
Do i really look like one?
In what way do i look like one?
Tell me tell me.
I look so guai lor!
*puzzled look*
I really don’t understand why people say i look like a player.
Yes i may be playful and mischevious at times.
But i am serious when it comes to matters of the heart.
In fact, too serious that i consider too much and allow my rational mind to take over my emotional heart.
Which thus explains why i stop or hesistate to move on.
I am no way near a player.
Too rational to be one.
Though at times i wish i am one.
Then i will not have so much pain.
And life may seem easier.
But i am not.
And i can’t.
It’s just not me.
A year ago, she was in a similar situation and i couldn’t do anything.
A year later, she is back in the situation and once again, i couldn’t do anything.
Not even a word of comfort.
I was just speechless when i face her.
A lost of word.
Oh man, why do i get so tense up whenever i meet her?
Why am i such a “shy” and “closed” person.
But glad that at least she enjoyed the show.
I felt like the character in the show.
Helpless. But to others instead of myself.
Though yes i am helpless to this “emotional-closeness” of myself too.
Being trapped and stucked.
And being able to think but not act.
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